did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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