Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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