Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
