I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
