We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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