Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
