i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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