I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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