i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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