Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
