I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
