hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
