I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
