You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
