You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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