I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
