I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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