i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
