It's Friday. Sex?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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