maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
