Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
