the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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