Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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