Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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