There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
