I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
