Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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