Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
