In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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