i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
