Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
