i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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