His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
