its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize