the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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