maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
