i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
