he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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