May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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