the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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