I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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