My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
