it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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