why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I need to calm my uterus...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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