I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
