So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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