I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
