People in love make me want to vomit
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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