I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
no, he came in my armpit
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
