I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
