no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
