I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
