dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
