And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
