shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
