I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
