3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
