when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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