i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
