i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Dicks are not precious.
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