Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
