im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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