frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
